I was exploring my old blog the other day, and came across a few posts that I felt particularly sentimental over. I figured I would re-post them over the next week so I could have them on my new blog, and so that I could share them with those of you that were not following me back then. =)
This post was originally written and posted on 4/7/10.
I know that the people I surround myself with love me. I know without much doubt that if I were to make that statement – if I were to show up and admit that everything is not “just so” that they would say, “It’s ok.” And that would be the end of it. So, why can’t I do it?
Part of it – the biggest part of it, I would say – is the need to feel and appear strong. I AM TOUGH! I am tougher than the financial hardship we may be enduring, I am tougher than the pain that my weight gain has caused, I am tougher than DIABETES. And to prove it – no one is allowed to see when those things bring me down. No one. Not even myself.
Since then, I have read many, many blog posts about how many ways Diabetes can go wrong – and how we feel about it when it does. Those posts heal me… EACH and EVERY time!
I still put on the happy face. I still try and appear as if I have it all together. And you know what? For the MOST PART I do… I would say I do NOW more than ever… because I have my outlet now. I have a way to get it out when I am angry, sad, or just plain defeated
Its amazing to me how as women, wives, mothers – mothers of children with special needs – we often feel obligated to put on the “happy face”. We feel like as long as we appear strong, secure, and infallible…. We will be! I often find myself carefully crafting my image – and the image of my family – so that we appear to others as if we have it “all together” ALL OF THE TIME! Why do we do that? It takes so much effort to pull it off sometimes. Why can’t I just say, “You know what? Today – I didn't get it all done.”
I know that the people I surround myself with love me. I know without much doubt that if I were to make that statement – if I were to show up and admit that everything is not “just so” that they would say, “It’s ok.” And that would be the end of it. So, why can’t I do it?
What’s wrong with me?
Now, I don’t want this to sound like I am a fake. I don’t think that I am. The image-crafting is generally not done for the sake of others… at least not completely. It’s done for my sake as well. It’s because I have this picture in my mind of what I want to be, and how I want to be, and how I want my family to be – and I try and get as close to that as possible…. Even if I can only pull it off for a few hours.
Part of it – the biggest part of it, I would say – is the need to feel and appear strong. I AM TOUGH! I am tougher than the financial hardship we may be enduring, I am tougher than the pain that my weight gain has caused, I am tougher than DIABETES. And to prove it – no one is allowed to see when those things bring me down. No one. Not even myself.
At least that’s the way it WAS
.
The very first D blog I ever read was a Letter to Type 1 Diabetes.
I read this letter, and for the FIRST TIME, over a year after diagnosis, sitting right at my desk at work – I cried. I cried hard. Tears drenched my face. It felt SO GOOD. Here was a letter that showed grief for the thing that was wrecking my son… but it showed strength too. And I realized that that letter expressed EXACTLY how I felt – but I had been unable, or unwilling, to express those feelings.
The very first D blog I ever read was a Letter to Type 1 Diabetes.
I read this letter, and for the FIRST TIME, over a year after diagnosis, sitting right at my desk at work – I cried. I cried hard. Tears drenched my face. It felt SO GOOD. Here was a letter that showed grief for the thing that was wrecking my son… but it showed strength too. And I realized that that letter expressed EXACTLY how I felt – but I had been unable, or unwilling, to express those feelings.
Since then, I have read many, many blog posts about how many ways Diabetes can go wrong – and how we feel about it when it does. Those posts heal me… EACH and EVERY time!
I still put on the happy face. I still try and appear as if I have it all together. And you know what? For the MOST PART I do… I would say I do NOW more than ever… because I have my outlet now. I have a way to get it out when I am angry, sad, or just plain defeated
You hit the nail on the head with this one Donna. I was nodding, b/c I do it ALL.THE.TIME. I think we do it, the "happy face", to keep ourselves from unraveling. I know that is my reason for the most part...and for the most part, I do feel fairly "happy" and ready to sport the "happy face", but there are still times when I get rattled.
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