I was exploring my old blog the other day, and came across a few posts that I felt particularly sentimental over. I figured I would re-post them over the next week so I could have them on my new blog, and so that I could share them with those of you that were not following me back then. =)
This post was originally written and posted on 7/16/10.
I know there are different stages of grief. I have never looked them up, or studied them, and truthfully, I couldn’t tell you for sure what they are or what order they come in. I am not totally sure I want to know. I know that I have gone through some of them, I know I have revisited them at times, and I know that I will continue to do so. I also know that I have times when I ignore the grief all together. When I just pretend that it’s not there and I am fine. I think that’s where I am right now. I think that’s why I have not been able to blog. Because if I sit down and start to type it out – it’s all just going to let loose. And then what? Yep…. Then I have to face it.
Well, I think today is the day. It’s time to face the music.
Some days I still can’t grasp that this is our life now. Some days it almost feels temporary. And at the end of those days, when I let my mind drift forward to the days, weeks, years to come and I let the little niggling thought enter that it’s NOT temporary – I feel myself start to shut down. I feel the hurt in the place where my heart is and my cheeks start to tingle and I throw up a little in my mouth. Because this is it. It’s not going to change.
Most days we just live one day at a time. Sometimes it’s one hour at a time. Or in the cases of low blood sugar we literally live from 15 minutes to 15 minutes.
It amazes me sometimes how Diabetes has managed to penetrate into all the little nooks and corners of our lives. There is almost nothing that it does not affect in some way. I can’t go to the grocery store with the kids without thinking about how hot it will be in the car and whether the heat will get to the insulin and kill it before I can get the car cooled down. We can’t plan to go out to dinner without first picturing the menu’s of the different restaurants in our heads and wondering which would be best, and easiest to figure out the carbs when we are there. I can’t take the kids to the pool without worrying what the exercise will do to Sugar Boy's blood sugar while he is in the water and what it will take to keep him stable so that he can have the best time possible... and so that he does not go low while in the water, which could be disastrous. We can't go to bed without setting our alarm clocks for at least once, maybe twice, sometimes three times during the night when we get up to check and make sure that he is still ok... that he doesn’t need sugar to bring him up from a low or more insulin to bring him down from a high. We can't wake up in the morning without listening at his baby monitor to make sure that we can hear his steady sleep-filled breaths coming over the monitor. We can’t EVER leave the house with Sugar Boy and not have his “sugar box” with us which contains his blood glucose testing kit, glucagon, sugar tablets, juice boxes, spare syringes and alcohol wipes… all the things that we may need in order to help keep him alive while we are away from home.
That’s why I was totally surprised when this week we discovered something that we could do as a family that Diabetes had absolutely NO influence on….We got a cat! It was SO wonderful to feel so completely NORMAL! That’s something that families do all the time… get a pet, bring it home…. deal with all the things that come with a kitten – It was WONDERFUL, because Diabetes had no place there.
Of course, unless you are going to get a cat (or dog) every day and soon have them over-run your house it was a temporary reprieve. But still very special… and definitely a moment I can look back on and savor! But now I am starting to feel the same numbness set in.. the same sadness…
I know a lot of it has to do with the kids starting school in less than a month. I am hoping I will feel better after we talk to the teacher and the nurse… but here again – something we can’t do NORMALLY! I am having such a hard time being excited about this new adventure because darn Diabetes has overshadowed it with fear. I am so afraid of handing over my son to strangers and trusting them to keep him alive for the 4 hours he is there 4 days a week. How do you do that? How do you EVER feel comfortable doing that? I know we can prepare – I know we can have meetings and write 504 plans and pack supplies…. But it just doesn’t feel like enough.
Will it…. ANY OF THIS…. EVER feel right? Normal? OK?
Well, I think today is the day. It’s time to face the music.
Some days I still can’t grasp that this is our life now. Some days it almost feels temporary. And at the end of those days, when I let my mind drift forward to the days, weeks, years to come and I let the little niggling thought enter that it’s NOT temporary – I feel myself start to shut down. I feel the hurt in the place where my heart is and my cheeks start to tingle and I throw up a little in my mouth. Because this is it. It’s not going to change.
Most days we just live one day at a time. Sometimes it’s one hour at a time. Or in the cases of low blood sugar we literally live from 15 minutes to 15 minutes.
It amazes me sometimes how Diabetes has managed to penetrate into all the little nooks and corners of our lives. There is almost nothing that it does not affect in some way. I can’t go to the grocery store with the kids without thinking about how hot it will be in the car and whether the heat will get to the insulin and kill it before I can get the car cooled down. We can’t plan to go out to dinner without first picturing the menu’s of the different restaurants in our heads and wondering which would be best, and easiest to figure out the carbs when we are there. I can’t take the kids to the pool without worrying what the exercise will do to Sugar Boy's blood sugar while he is in the water and what it will take to keep him stable so that he can have the best time possible... and so that he does not go low while in the water, which could be disastrous. We can't go to bed without setting our alarm clocks for at least once, maybe twice, sometimes three times during the night when we get up to check and make sure that he is still ok... that he doesn’t need sugar to bring him up from a low or more insulin to bring him down from a high. We can't wake up in the morning without listening at his baby monitor to make sure that we can hear his steady sleep-filled breaths coming over the monitor. We can’t EVER leave the house with Sugar Boy and not have his “sugar box” with us which contains his blood glucose testing kit, glucagon, sugar tablets, juice boxes, spare syringes and alcohol wipes… all the things that we may need in order to help keep him alive while we are away from home.
That’s why I was totally surprised when this week we discovered something that we could do as a family that Diabetes had absolutely NO influence on….We got a cat! It was SO wonderful to feel so completely NORMAL! That’s something that families do all the time… get a pet, bring it home…. deal with all the things that come with a kitten – It was WONDERFUL, because Diabetes had no place there.
Of course, unless you are going to get a cat (or dog) every day and soon have them over-run your house it was a temporary reprieve. But still very special… and definitely a moment I can look back on and savor! But now I am starting to feel the same numbness set in.. the same sadness…
I know a lot of it has to do with the kids starting school in less than a month. I am hoping I will feel better after we talk to the teacher and the nurse… but here again – something we can’t do NORMALLY! I am having such a hard time being excited about this new adventure because darn Diabetes has overshadowed it with fear. I am so afraid of handing over my son to strangers and trusting them to keep him alive for the 4 hours he is there 4 days a week. How do you do that? How do you EVER feel comfortable doing that? I know we can prepare – I know we can have meetings and write 504 plans and pack supplies…. But it just doesn’t feel like enough.
Will it…. ANY OF THIS…. EVER feel right? Normal? OK?
There are times I am shocked at how "normal" this now feels to me...over 4 years into it. And...there are times when I am shocked when things seem so abnormal after 4 years. Does that make any sense?
ReplyDeleteHow is Sugar Boy's school year going? Any issues with the school or at school?