When I was a little girl, and people would ask me what I was going to be when I grow up, my answer was always the same.
“I’m going to be a mommy – just like my mommy!”
That was it. Plain and simple. What I wanted to be when I grew up was a mommy. I wanted to have a nice house… and a husband… and one boy, and one girl… and to be a great mommy.
I grew up with my mom at home with me. I think she would have preferred to work, to be honest. She has extremely poor eyesight, and has for most of her life. For my entire lifetime she has been unable to drive and because of her poor vision she was not able to continue working efficiently in the medical profession as she had been trained. So by the time I came along, she was already a homemaker full time. My dad made decent money – we were not rich by any means – but he made enough for us to be comfortable. Later, in my early teen years when my dad got sick and eventually passed away from complications of Type 1 Diabetes, things were very hard. Financially we were in ruins and I know it was hard for Mom not being able to work to help our situation out. But, with love, luck and A LOT of prayer, we made it through.
College didn’t seem to be an option for me… I was working from the time I was 16, to help support our household, and I did feel a certain obligation to help support my mom even after I was out of high school and working full time. She and I had talked about college… I was interested in becoming a veterinarian, but it was apparent to me that her fear of being left on her own was pretty big. So I passed on college. To be honest, in the back of my mind the entire way through that arduous decision-making process I knew that what I really wanted was to eventually marry and be a homemaker – so college didn’t seem all that important. The religion that I was raised in was actually anti-college (I will have to do a whole other post one of these days about what it was like to grow up as a Jehovah’s Witness) and so it was easy to justify just working full time and staying with my mom. How silly you can be in your late teens, early 20’s….and its really amazing how the decisions you make even then can affect your entire life there-after.
There came a point where I had to get away. And I did… I left my small-town hometown and moved to “the big city.” I got a job in a call-center and enjoyed my new found freedom. I even went a little wild! But I never lost sight of my future dreams of being a wife to someone someday – being a homemaker – and being a mommy.
It wasn’t long before I met and married Sugar Daddy. Now, before I go on – I want to be VERY clear. He is the love of my life. I couldn’t have found a better man – he is a great husband, and an extremely devoted father. I wouldn’t change my decision to share my life with him for ANYTHING.
But he is also a church musician (he has a fancier title than that, but even after you say Assistant Director of Music and Liturgy, it still really means ‘church musician’)… and I knew when I married him that the possibility of my being a stay-at-home mom when we had our children was VERY slim. I continued to work after we were married… and while I still had dreams of being a full-time homemaker and mommy, it was easy to let those dreams drift a bit.
When we had the twins I knew that it was not possible for me to stay home with them. And I was surprisingly okay with that. If I had had a choice I would have stayed home with them – but I knew that wasn’t a realistic option. So, I went back to work. It was hard leaving my babies… but being able to leave them with Grandma D was a HUGE blessing. I know I would not have been able to bear leaving them in daycare. So my mind was at ease that they were with someone that was whole-heartedly devoted to them during the day. I still had moments where I struggled with it… I missed some of those really important firsts… and I felt that I was unable to express some of MY wants and concerns for my babies because I was not the one that was with them all day long. My mother in law and I definitely butted heads over a few of those issues – but all in all, the situation worked.
When the twins were 27 months old Sugar Boy was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. I almost quit my job. I WOULD HAVE quite my job if it weren’t for the fact that the twins were on my insurance. And that I knew we needed that insurance more than ever now that we were to be dealing with this horrible chronic disease. Sugar Daddy has insurance through his work, but it would have cost a fortune to put the twins and I on his insurance. We had just bought a house 6 months before, and we had that to consider as well. Even though as a mother my need to stay home with my kids was stronger than it ever had been before, the possibility of that happening was now the least possible that it had ever been before. A cruel twist of fate – on so many levels.
So, Grandma D learned how to take care of Sugar Boy. And I learned how to re-do my make up in the car after crying myself to work on pretty much a daily basis. It KILLED me that I was not the one that was home taking care of my precious boy. I was not the one that was checking his sugar and looking out for highs and lows.
Unfortunately I still have not gotten over those feelings – it’s been almost two years since diagnosis, but instead of getting easier, it has gotten harder. I think it’s worse now that the Sugar Kids are in school. My work is a half an hour from the school – and will be even a bit further than that after we move offices in October. That is TOO FAR. If I were home I would be 5 minutes away. School has brought to the surface some Mommy wants and needs that weren’t there before, that have nothing to do with Diabetes, as well. I want to be the one dropping them off. I want to be the one picking them up. I want to be the first one to be able to ask them how their day was… It should be ME, their MOM doing those things. But instead I am here… at a job that does nothing for me other than provide a paycheck that covers the mortgage payment and insurance that covers the $20,000.00 in medical expenses that Diabetes racks up every year. I have hit my pay-earning ceiling because I never went to college… which I blame NO ONE for… but I sure wish I could have looked forward 10 years and seen that happening. All in all – getting up every morning and heading to work is the hardest thing I do in my day.
I have to find a way to be okay with this… I HAVE TO. But I just don’t know how…
Monday, August 30, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Adventures In Radiology
So, having needles poked into my neck is certainly not my idea of a good time. In fact, just the thought of needles being poked into my neck had me pretty nervous to be perfectly honest. But that’s life and when I found out that I was going to need a fine needle biopsy done on my thyroid, I had accepted that I was indeed going to have to deal with needles in my neck. The good thing was that this particular biopsy was extremely non-invasive and that the worst of it was the shot that they give you (another needle!!) to administer the local anesthetic.
So, yesterday morning bright and early, Sugar Daddy and I headed to the hospital where I was to be admitted as an outpatient to have this pesky little procedure done. We had to be there an hour and a half prior to the actual procedure time so that they could do some blood work. The woman that drew my blood for the labs was a real sweetheart. I explained that my arms were a really hard stick and she would be better to go in through the back of my hand. She was a little surprised how calmly I went through a blood draw… indeed, I was really quite the cool customer. I don’t mind watching the needle be inserted or watching the blood come out – and when she asked me to help her by grabbing the full tube and switching it out for the empty since her hands were tied up with the needle, I didn’t flinch. Finally I explained to her that my son is a type 1 diabetic and that the sight of needles going in and blood coming out were no longer disturbing to me… since I have to do this to Sugar Boy all the time.
We went back out to wait and it wasn’t much longer before they called me back for the biopsy. I was thrown off a little when they told Sugar Daddy that he couldn’t come back with us. There was not a lot of room where the biopsy was to be done and the radiologist preferred that family members not be present. I had brought him with as sort of my security blanket, and when I asked later if they could make an exception I was very kindly but firmly told “no”.
Once we were in the room the nurse started up the ultrasound machine and took a look at my thyroid. She seemed puzzled and finally said she needed to go and talk to the Dr. and that she would be right back. When she came back she told me that the images they were seeing on their ultrasound machine were much different than the ones that they received from the imaging place where I had the original ultrasound done. She said that a lot of it was the difference in the machines – the hospital machines were much higher-powered so they were able to see MORE than the original scan did. She said as a result the Dr. would need to take a look and that they would go from there.
My first impression of the radiologist when he came in was, “HOT DAMN!”. He was GOOD looking. (Hey, come on people - I'm married - NOT dead!) But right away his quirky sense of humor far overshadowed his good looks. After taking a look himself with the ultrasound machine he told me that he was actually seeming MULTIPLE nodules on my thyroid and that they were gathered on what he believed to possibly be a goiter.
Okaaaaaay.
So, now what? He explained that the orders from my primary care physician were for a Thyroid Fine Needle Aspiration Biopsy on a single nodule, but that he felt I needed a bit more than that. He asked for my consent, which I gave and on we went. The shot administering the local I barely felt – the problem… It did almost NOTHING. I VERY MUCH felt the first fine needle biopsy that they did. He assured me that I was not supposed to have felt anything so they would give me another shot. He did so and started on the next biopsy. “I can still feel that!” was my response. He gave me another shot. Finally – the third fine needle biopsy was done and I didn’t feel anything but some pressure. At that point I said, “Ya know – the same thing happens when I go to the dentist… they have a heck of time getting me numb.” His response: “Uhhhhh – you could have mentioned that!” LOL Oops – I really didn’t think it would be the same!
Next he needed to do two core samples. This means that instead of a fine needle being inserted they were going to be using a much thicker instrument that he would insert into my neck and then snip off a small chunk of tissue to be tested. Oh joy. He comes back and he says, “Now, Donna, there is going to be a clicking noise when I take the sample. It sounds like this…” LOUD click sound (something like the click that the sen-serter makes when I am changing out Sugar Boys CGM sensor), and then he says, “whatever you do – DON’T jump when you hear that, K?”
“OK – got it… no jumping.”
He inserts this thing, and the next thing I know, he is THUNKING it to get it to where he wants it to be. Now of course – this whole thing has been ultrasound guided… and I am laying on the bed FACING the screen so I can SEE this thing in my neck and I can see him literally hammering it in. At this point I shut my eyes. CLICK – first sample taken. He inserts the next one – more thunking – and this is when he says to the nurse, “Ya know – I think the needles are a little dull on these things!” I had to suppress a giggle (after all I’m not supposed to move)… OMG did he REALLY just say that??? The nurse DID giggle. Good times.
When he got done he told me that the results could come back as inconclusive, in which case they would have to take a closer look via surgery – or possibly just remove the nodules and / or possible goiter all together. He let me know that I would be pretty sore the rest of the day (UNDERSTATEMENT!!) and that I would possibly have a bruise on my neck (Uh… yeah… from all the THUNKING no doubt) and that I should wear the band-aid he was putting on the rest of the day so that “I don’t ooze all over the place.”
And that was that.
We went home. Once the local started to wear off I was indeed VERY sore… and found holding my head up to be especially challenging. So I spent A LOT of time in bed.
Today I am still sore, but nothing like yesterday. I should have results back early next week. So, now we wait & see
So, yesterday morning bright and early, Sugar Daddy and I headed to the hospital where I was to be admitted as an outpatient to have this pesky little procedure done. We had to be there an hour and a half prior to the actual procedure time so that they could do some blood work. The woman that drew my blood for the labs was a real sweetheart. I explained that my arms were a really hard stick and she would be better to go in through the back of my hand. She was a little surprised how calmly I went through a blood draw… indeed, I was really quite the cool customer. I don’t mind watching the needle be inserted or watching the blood come out – and when she asked me to help her by grabbing the full tube and switching it out for the empty since her hands were tied up with the needle, I didn’t flinch. Finally I explained to her that my son is a type 1 diabetic and that the sight of needles going in and blood coming out were no longer disturbing to me… since I have to do this to Sugar Boy all the time.
We went back out to wait and it wasn’t much longer before they called me back for the biopsy. I was thrown off a little when they told Sugar Daddy that he couldn’t come back with us. There was not a lot of room where the biopsy was to be done and the radiologist preferred that family members not be present. I had brought him with as sort of my security blanket, and when I asked later if they could make an exception I was very kindly but firmly told “no”.
Once we were in the room the nurse started up the ultrasound machine and took a look at my thyroid. She seemed puzzled and finally said she needed to go and talk to the Dr. and that she would be right back. When she came back she told me that the images they were seeing on their ultrasound machine were much different than the ones that they received from the imaging place where I had the original ultrasound done. She said that a lot of it was the difference in the machines – the hospital machines were much higher-powered so they were able to see MORE than the original scan did. She said as a result the Dr. would need to take a look and that they would go from there.
My first impression of the radiologist when he came in was, “HOT DAMN!”. He was GOOD looking. (Hey, come on people - I'm married - NOT dead!) But right away his quirky sense of humor far overshadowed his good looks. After taking a look himself with the ultrasound machine he told me that he was actually seeming MULTIPLE nodules on my thyroid and that they were gathered on what he believed to possibly be a goiter.
Okaaaaaay.
So, now what? He explained that the orders from my primary care physician were for a Thyroid Fine Needle Aspiration Biopsy on a single nodule, but that he felt I needed a bit more than that. He asked for my consent, which I gave and on we went. The shot administering the local I barely felt – the problem… It did almost NOTHING. I VERY MUCH felt the first fine needle biopsy that they did. He assured me that I was not supposed to have felt anything so they would give me another shot. He did so and started on the next biopsy. “I can still feel that!” was my response. He gave me another shot. Finally – the third fine needle biopsy was done and I didn’t feel anything but some pressure. At that point I said, “Ya know – the same thing happens when I go to the dentist… they have a heck of time getting me numb.” His response: “Uhhhhh – you could have mentioned that!” LOL Oops – I really didn’t think it would be the same!
Next he needed to do two core samples. This means that instead of a fine needle being inserted they were going to be using a much thicker instrument that he would insert into my neck and then snip off a small chunk of tissue to be tested. Oh joy. He comes back and he says, “Now, Donna, there is going to be a clicking noise when I take the sample. It sounds like this…” LOUD click sound (something like the click that the sen-serter makes when I am changing out Sugar Boys CGM sensor), and then he says, “whatever you do – DON’T jump when you hear that, K?”
“OK – got it… no jumping.”
He inserts this thing, and the next thing I know, he is THUNKING it to get it to where he wants it to be. Now of course – this whole thing has been ultrasound guided… and I am laying on the bed FACING the screen so I can SEE this thing in my neck and I can see him literally hammering it in. At this point I shut my eyes. CLICK – first sample taken. He inserts the next one – more thunking – and this is when he says to the nurse, “Ya know – I think the needles are a little dull on these things!” I had to suppress a giggle (after all I’m not supposed to move)… OMG did he REALLY just say that??? The nurse DID giggle. Good times.
When he got done he told me that the results could come back as inconclusive, in which case they would have to take a closer look via surgery – or possibly just remove the nodules and / or possible goiter all together. He let me know that I would be pretty sore the rest of the day (UNDERSTATEMENT!!) and that I would possibly have a bruise on my neck (Uh… yeah… from all the THUNKING no doubt) and that I should wear the band-aid he was putting on the rest of the day so that “I don’t ooze all over the place.”
And that was that.
We went home. Once the local started to wear off I was indeed VERY sore… and found holding my head up to be especially challenging. So I spent A LOT of time in bed.
Today I am still sore, but nothing like yesterday. I should have results back early next week. So, now we wait & see
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)