Is The Honeymoon Over Yet? I wish!!

Next month we will celebrate our 3 year Diaversary.  Next month.  3 years.  3 years living with Type 1 Diabetes in our lives. 

Where has the time gone??  It feels like that diagnosis was yesterday.  But yet, I look back at pictures from that time and all I can think is that he looks so small in them.  He has grown so much.  His body has changed so much.  WE have changed so much.  We have learned so much.  We still - at times - hurt so much.

What I am struggling with more than anything right now is that we are STILL in the honeymoon phase.  Almost 3 years later his pancreas still attempts to work from time to time.  Out of the blue, always when we least expect it it will kick out enough insulin to cover the meal he just ate.  Of course, we also bolus for the meal and so he is essentially getting a double dose of insulin.

A couple of weeks ago we had several of these instances in a row.  He would eat, I would dose, and a half an hour to an hour later he was below 50... and it would take the same number of carbs he had just eaten for his meal to bring him up to safety again.  One night this happened shortly after he went to sleep.  I couldn't rouse him to drink the juice I knew he needed.  He was REALLY out of it.  He was 35 and dropping fast.  It was the first time we have ever mixed a vial of glucagon... although, thank God we didn't have to use it that night.  I finally got him to drink... he finally came around.  But it wasn't pretty.  And it was scary as hell.  For us... and for him! 

It was getting to the point where I was afraid to dose him after meals.  I would check the CGM to make sure that he was starting a spike and then deliver the insulin.  What I am wondering is WHEN will this stop?  When we were diagnosed, they told us that the honeymoon period will most likely last 1-2 years.  We are coming up on 3!!  I am ready to be done.  I am ready for his pancreas to throw in the towel and give up the fight.  It feels weird for me to type that.  It seems like I should be hopeful that it will not only work but continue to work and return to the full functioning life saving organ it once was.  But, I know that will not happen.  I know that instead, by its sporadic and untimely attempts at working it has become a potentially life ending organ. 

That scares me.

A lot.

Wow.... This feels GOOD!

I have to admit.  I am surprised to find myself here.  4:30 on a Saturday afternoon.  And I'm blogging.  I have not REALLY blogged in what, 6 months?  But lately my abandoned blog has been popping into my mind more and more.  I have had something happen and I have said, "I should blog about that." or I would see something and think, "I wonder what the blogging world would think about that?"

I have to admit that part of the reason (not the main reason, but part of it) is that some of the unrest and the childishness that took place in the DOC over the summer really turned me off.  I actually was hesitant to blog.  Blogging is very personal.  Its also takes courage.  You are putting your thoughts and your feelings out there.  Raw and tender and completely exposed.  Mostly to readers that you expect to GET YOU.  And if they don't, you expect them to be kind in spite of not "getting you".  That is not what was happening over the summer.  There was a lot of blogger bashing going on, amongst a lot of other bashing.  No one has the right to do that.  If you don't like it, don't read it.  But if you cant say something nice then keep your mouth shut.  Express your opinions, yes!!!  Of course!  That is how we learn from each other and that is what the DOC is all about.  But it is also about SUPPORT.  So if you cant express your opinions in a supportive and respectful manner, then kindly refrain.  So, why am I saying something now?  Well I guess because I don't want to be afraid to blog.  I am a pretty sensitive person.  I am the first to admit it.  I get hurt easily.  My mother's favorite expression when I was growing up was that I needed to get some thicker skin.  Well, mom, it never happened.  That's just me.  Its who I am.  So, to protect myself from the blogger bashing, I stopped blogging. 

Like I said, that was not the only reason... and it was never the main reason.  The MAIN reason is I am still trying to catch my stride!!  :)  This whole stay at home mom lifestyle has thrown me for a loop!!!  Don't get me wrong... I LOVE IT!  I am deliriously happy.  Happier than I have ever been in my life.  I feel like I am finally right where I should be... and the sense of peace that comes with that is AMAZING.  But, holy cow, have I ever had a hard time figuring out how to organize my days.  How to keep up with everything.  How to manage diabetes in ways I have never managed it before.  But alas, I feel like I am finally getting there.  The house stays clean (mostly) the laundry gets done (for the most part) and Sugar Boy's A1C is dropping (slowly).  VICTORY!  So, its time to start blogging again.  Its time to start draining my brain back into my computer and letting some of the swelly and hurty (love ya, Meri) get out.  :)

I'll be back... maybe later today or tomorrow.  Because for the first time in half a year, I feel like I am coming back HOME to my blog.